How Video Games, a Support System and Becoming a Leader at NJIT Helped Me Manage My Mental Health
Growing up, I was very quiet, shy and introverted. As I started to discover myself in my teenage years, I began coming out of the closet at age 12. Because of this, I felt isolated at the time and so I found solace in video games and online forums and communities. I have always struggled with my mental health and it's taken me many years and a lot of work to be able to talk about it so openly. I used to try to hide it or make light of it, but it's been very painful and tough. I cannot emphasize enough that if it were not for video games, I do not think I would have survived high school.
I always thought it was so beautiful that I could escape, find community and be at peace within these fictional worlds that blended technology, art and music — all forms of creative media with technical expertise coming together to create fun experiences, and safe havens for me and many others like me. By mid to late high school, it dawned on me that I wanted to give back and be able to create these experiences that essentially saved my life. And so I began my programming and game development journey.
My Game Development Journey
Along the way, I naturally assimilated to the esports communities (specifically Super Smash Bros. and League of Legends initially). I went to Union County College first and received an associate’s in Computer Science & Engineering. But most importantly, at UCC I made so many memories and friends through being a part of the beginnings of the esports organizations there.
I then made my way here, transferring to NJIT. I started in late 2017. Oh yes, I've been at this school quite awhile and it definitely has not been easy.
Coming to NJIT originally, I noticed there was no esports club despite it being a tech school, with many game developers and other fields connected through video games. You cannot take five steps on this campus without seeing some form of gaming happening — commuters playing League of Legends in the campus center, and students forming teams and playing in their dorms to compete for scholarships.
And so, me and some other students gathered together to found NJIT Esports. This was one of the first times in my life that I felt like I could be a leader. This was when I truly started to open out of my comfort zone, out of my shell.
NJIT Esports and I have a bittersweet relationship. In fact, I have a bittersweet relationship with many of my accomplishments around my 2019 "era." I was president of NJIT Esports while conducting research in the Social Interaction Lab on campus, as well as being an intern leading into a student contractor part-time position in digital analytics at a biopharma company. With my history of mental illness and depressive episodes, I mean, at this point in my life, I really thought I was “cured.”
My Mental Health Struggles
I thought that if I just kept hustling that it would keep those depressive episodes at bay. I was a yes-man, a people pleaser, a workaholic. And it all came crumbling down because it was not a natural or HEALTHY workload. I also found myself surrounded by people who did not have my best interest in mind, who were unfortunately quite abusive and toxic. Even situations of physical harm being inflicted upon me.
In 2019, I tried to take my own life and was then hospitalized. At the time, I hid this because I was worried about how my co-workers, professors, and peers would view me. I only let a select few people in my life know. I was SO concerned with my professional image and hid this struggle and pain.
At first, I tried to quickly bounce back and tackle my issues by just thinking of them in a different light. This did not work and it took some time and a lot of therapy to realize I had to make some serious changes.
Although it pained me to do so, because there were people who severely hurt and abused me still around, I had to step away from NJIT Esports, esports and gaming communities as a whole. I knew it was what was best for me, but I felt extremely lost. I mean, video games were my passion! They are why I went to college in the first place.
BAM THE COVID PANDEMIC HIT and I fell into a huge depression and needed to delay my graduation further.
My Path to Recovery
Coming back into the "normal" swing of things from the pandemic, I began to focus my energy onto NJIT's Spectrum (the LGBTQIA+ student organization on campus). This significantly helped my recovery. In a time where I felt as though I had no community, I remembered the scared 12-year-old who came out in middle school and remembered that I was no longer in that position here at NJIT. Although I had lost my sense of belonging for some time in one community, I was embraced by a whole other community on campus. Furthermore, I realized I was in the position to help fellow LGBTQIA+ students no longer feel alone.
I eventually became the president of Spectrum and, through much therapy and healing, was back assisting the new generation of NJIT Esports and local competitive gaming communities.
I published multiple academic papers during my time at NJIT that cover gaming, esports, harassment to women and LGBTQ, and mental health in gaming streaming spaces and I feel these works were definitely motivated by my personal experiences. Being able to conduct research on them was extremely important to me as I felt like at NJIT I was given the space and tools to contribute to helping those with similar experiences.
Academically, physically and mentally, my journey as a student at NJIT was a struggle. But I don't think I would be the person I am without it. And without memorable students, professors, staff who helped me along the way.
Thank you:
To Professor DJ Kehoe for being the first professor to have a serious talk with me about my mental health and point me in the direction of CCAPS.
To Dr. Yvette Wohn for being a caring mentor who always made me feel safe on campus, especially in my darkest hours. I will always be grateful for the opportunity to research and publish academic papers on topics important to my heart, such as discrimination towards marginalized individuals (LGBTQIA+ and women) in gaming spaces, as well as mental health in gaming spaces through work in the Social Interaction Lab.
To Dr. Amy Hoover for being a wonderful mentor as well, and being someone who I could confide in also in my darkest hours.
To Professor Bo Thompson for helping to reawaken my passion for game development and guide me when I felt estranged from it, especially during the peak pandemic days where my motivation grew dim. Taking the game architecture course with you really reminded me of why I started programming to begin with.
To Dean Marybeth Boger, for literally hugging me as I cried in her arms when I found myself triggered in public by my experiences on campus. For consoling me, telling me she believed in me, and that I was strong and could push through.
To Senior Associate Dean Sean Dowd, for being the greatest advisor to NJIT Spectrum ever and for being such an amazing support system during the tail end of my healing.
To all the amazing friends I’ve made here at NJIT along the way, for being my friends, for supporting me, and for being a part of and enriching my life.
To my loving and hardworking parents Tora Uttarapong and Anothai Uttarapong.
To many others as well.
I was in a dark place and then an even darker place, figuring out how to even begin to recover, for a long time.
But I made it out alive. And I made it out a part of NJIT Class of 2023 with a B.S. in Information Technology with a specialization in video game development.
For me, NJIT made me learn more about myself than I ever had in any other period of my life. NJIT made me a leader. NJIT made me stronger. NJIT made me a survivor.
#NJITMakes Survivors
*P.S Healing is not linear. Humans are not linear, we are not binary. We are beautifully chaotic and continuously growing. There were times I thought I was getting better just to realize I was actually getting a lot worse before I got better. You keep going forward and you will see it all through. And you will heal. Step by step, just keep going. To anyone reading this, thank you for listening. You are doing your best, you are doing great, you got this. <3
-Jira
